Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.
By STEVE KALAS
Sooner or later, married people will acquire and manifest The Strange Idea. The word “strange” here can mean anything from ideas not useful to ideas absurd, untrue, unfair or dishonest. I call this phenomenon The Strange Idea because, when I hear it in marital counseling sessions, I tend to furrow my eyebrows, look puzzled, and say, “What an … interesting idea,” because if you flat out call it a strange idea people might get their feelings hurt.
But, don’t be fooled. When I say “interesting,” I mean strange.
The wonder is that husbands and wives can articulate The Strange Idea with a straight face. With clarity and conviction. Like they are saying something important and meaningful. But, sooner or later, all husbands and all wives take a shot at it. And, often get away with it. Meaning, their mates don’t notice that it was a Strange Idea. So the mate engages it. And then they fight about it.
Here are some examples of The Strange Idea:
“I shouldn’t have to ask (for what I need)!” It’s important to say this with just the right combination of indignation and incredulity. Who cares that the utterance makes no sense whatsoever. That, effectively, it presupposes the wedding vows included “love, honor, cherish and be psychic.” Never mind that, if anyone has a rightful claim on indignation and incredulity, it’s the hearer of this particular Strange Idea.
Then, when you chronically don’t get what you need, tell yourself another Strange Idea, such as: “My mate is deliberately withholding what I need because he/she doesn’t care about me.”
From here we can build a strong case for entitlement to resentment. With sufficient resentment, you can build a case for the firefighter across town, the barmaid, or the neighbor who “really understands you.”
Or … you could ask for what you need. Which isn’t to say that you’ll get everything you ask for. It’s just that asking will start a dialogue. And, in faithful and loving dialogue, the two of you can agree together whether 1) what you’re asking for is unreasonable, 2) the very legitimate reason why your mate cannot, right now, give what you’re asking, 3) the simple fact that what you’re asking is not your mate’s to give, ever, or 4) “Yes indeed, my love — here’s what you need and thanks for asking!”
When your spouse says to you, “I shouldn’t have to ask for what I need,” the learned, loving and wise response should be, “Huh?” Apart from the fact that your mate isn’t psychic, here’s an even more important reason to say, “Huh?” Human beings have built-in, non-negotiable limits, one of which is attention span.
Sooner or later, with no exceptions, even the most doting, loving spouse will Stop Paying Attention. Not because they’ve stopped loving. But because they are tired.
Sometimes just because they are human. So, all great marriages require semiregular inoculations of “Hey, I need some attention!”
If my mate asks me for something in the relationship, I should look martyred, oppressed, exasperated, burdened, or maybe even get defensive and combative.
Now that’s a Strange Idea. Wow. You’re kidding, right? Here’s how it’s done: When your wife or your husband lay their hearts open before you, eat their pride and reveal their deepest, most naked desires, longings and needs … it is not an invitation to kick ass and deliver the Oy Vey Manifesto. Nope, the right response is to lean back and kiss the sky in gratitude for having a mate this faithful, this courageous, this honest. Be grateful, because you’ve just received a high compliment. That is, you’ve been entrusted.
Your mate has entrusted something precious to you — themselves!
Be grateful, if for no other reason than your mate is talking to you, … and not to the firefighter across town, or the barmaid, or the neighbor.
Or, perhaps you’d prefer it if they took their needs elsewhere and quit bothering you? Then, when you discover the betrayal, you’ll be in a counselor’s office, saying: “Can you believe it!? Can you believe what he/she did to me?”
And the counselor might furrow the eyebrows, look puzzled and say, “What an … interesting idea.”
Steven Kalas is a behavioral health consultant and counselor at Las Vegas Psychiatry and the author of “Human Matters: Wise and Witty Counsel on Relationships, Parenting, Grief and Doing the Right Thing” (Stephens Press). Contact him at skalas@reviewjournal.com.