I would like to introduce to the world a new classification for reviewing video games, albums, books and movies: “Too Lame to Finish.”
I would like to introduce to the world a new classification for reviewing video games, albums, books and movies: “Too Lame to Finish.”
Let me enlighten you: We critics assign star ratings and letter grades to consumer artworks, obviously. But sometimes we need to say, “This game/movie/book is too lame to finish.”
Here’s a good example. “Sleeping Dogs.” This is not the worst game I’ve ever played. It’s below average. But why should I suffer a full 20 hours of it when the first five hours are so lame? Lame equals not-fun.
“Sleeping Dogs” is a “Grand Theft Auto”-styled mob adventure set in Hong Kong. I portray an undercover cop. I infiltrate a mob crew.
But to protect my undercover status, I must behave as a mobster — shaking down senior citizen street vendors for payoffs, killing people, carjacking, buying drugs, and so forth — so I feel more like a thug than a cop.
I accidentally kill innocent bystanders with cars and fights. That hardly seems justifiable concerning the plot. Killing virtual innocents begs for a bigger evil, such as averting nuclear war.
Here are the lame things in “Sleeping Dogs,” as far as I can tell after five laborious hours:
1. Hand-to-hand combat partially relies on cumbersome counter-moves. I feel as if I must stand in place, bored, for three to five seconds, waiting for a gangster to lurch at me. Then I press a counter-move button.
That is lame and drags the action to a snail’s pace.
2. I must drive (or jog) for long stretches across the boring city to arrive at mission destinations. If I accidentally kill a pedestrian, which is easy to do, cops chase me, and I can’t arrive at my destination until I outrun them.
That system was novel when “GTA” debuted it more than a decade ago. It is lame now. Driving across open-world cities can be made fun. But it’s not fun here.
3. Quick-time events are a mess.
I would like to stress this isn’t a zero star game for me. It’s pretty. Hong Kong looks cool.
For character voiceovers, game makers paid for serious actors, including Tom Wilkinson, Lucy Liu, Emma Stone, James Hong, Will Yun Lee and Lindsay Price.
Also, there are still gamers in the world who have never played a “Grand Theft Auto” title or who are fanboys. They may enjoy “Sleeping Dogs” as a fresh thing. Good for them.
However, many of us laughed along with 2011’s “Saints Row: The Third,” which satirized this “GTA” genre with an infusion of zombies, aliens and hover jets, because the “GTA” format is lame when it’s a flat rehash, as in “Sleeping Dogs.”
Therefore, I propose to critics everywhere that if a long game, book or other artwork is clearly a waste of time to complete, then let’s redefine its averageness as “too lame to finish.” We have other things to do with our lives.
“Sleeping Dogs” by Square Enix retails for $60 for PS 3 and Xbox 360; $50 for PC — Plays lame. Looks good. Challenging. Rated “M” for blood, gore, intense violence, sexual content, strong language and use of drugs. NA/too-lame-to-finish out of four stars.
Doug Elfman is an award-winning entertainment columnist who lives in Las Vegas. He blogs at http://www.lvrj.com/columnists/Doug_Elfman.html. Twitter at VegasAnonymous.